Hey Pixie Chicks!
I hope you’re enjoying the summer holidays. You’ve probably noticed the brief hiatus we took in the past few weeks, things have once again been hectic for me.
For reasons I haven’t even analyzed yet, I’m not going to share the details with you folks now. But I will share with you what I’ve thought, remembered, and acquired.
1. Thought- The Show Must Go On!
One afternoon--on a particularly difficult day, I kinda freaked out on my family...on our way to a doctor’s office...to get information for my mom. I have been acting as my mother’s full time caregiver, secretary, brain, medical liaison, chauffeur, etc. and I had a MAJOR freak out. It was pretty damn ugly…(I did come up with some awesome one-liners in the heat of the moment which proved to be both comedic and accurately biting, giving the nature of the drama).
While my sister drove, she made some remark. She was nervous for the receptionist and doctor because I was determined to freak out on them. However, as I entered the building, I did my very damned best to calm myself. Rationally, I know you need to be kind and professional (especially in this setting) to get the aid you need. I really didn’t want to humiliate my family by freaking out…(I’m serious, I already used Freak-ing-ed-out 4...5 times...this was gigantic Real Housewives Of New Jersey’s Teresa-Table-Flipping-level freak out...except I’m still somehow classy in Connecticut :p )!
It was only moments after my sister insisted that she did not speak with the receptionist, that as we walked into the office, she remembered she actually did speak with her. I replied with some some silent shady eye roll. I walked in the door, pleasantly introduced myself, and behaved in a proper badass-caregiver manner, in which IDK how I pulled it off! Just give me the Oscar right now!
After we retrieved our items and left, my sister intensely declared that “it’s so scary--insanely scary--that you can turn on a dime.” That I can go from complete freak-out-mode to pleasant “how do you do” prim and proper caregiver. She was scared...That night, what she said really bothered me. Then I thought of Katy Perry...stay with me, I swear it will make sense.
About a year ago I watched Katy Perry: Part of Me concert documentary. It was filmed right around the time Russell Brand asked for a divorce, (rumor has it via text message...how shitty! Poor Katy, I love her even more)! Anyway, there was a time in the documentary in which she was really depressed-- crying and so upset as she was getting hair and makeup ready for a concert. Someone on her team said they could cancel the concert. She said no. She walked back stage, (still crying), stood on the platform that raises her up to the stage (if I recall) still crying and then once she was raised to stage level, the lights went on she became Pop Star Katy Perry and killed the concert! The show must go on. You can have a bad day, you can have a bad year, but when you have a duty to perform, for your family, work, to a crowd of devoted-screaming fans you find the strength to “Nike that Shit and Just Do It”! (BTW I say that ALL the time...Nike --time for my endorsement deal)?
2. Remembered- You need to persevere.
I also remembered that I need to persevere because I actually can...I did, I do! When I typically look back over the year I get disappointed because I didn’t do much...for myself. (Career and future wise). All the things an average 20-something would be focusing on, friends, jobs, relationships, travel, fun. Etc. and of course the tough stuff too, student debt, insecurities, calorie intake, work--life balance, etc. I couldn’t do any of that this year!
But when I think of all the things I did do (typically for other people) there’s A LOT to cover! (Cough--help my fabulous mom recover from a major brain tumor, surgery, radiation and lots of paperwork..honestly that’s truly the most stressful part!!)
It seems like I went through Hell and back and I’m somehow making it out--still! After seeing Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt with my Dad, he constantly calls me Kimmy Schmidt, or the Unbreakable Holly Williams and he randomly sings UNBREAKABLE...Damn It!!! It’s a laugh but upon further reflection, it’s totally true.
I’m scrappy! I’m a beast, a #bosslady, no one can get in my way! Not when I have my eyes on the prize: (My Oscar, mom’s recovery, a sandwich, an extra squat, surviving a long distance relationship, having a chill night with friends, making time for sisterly conversations [no-health care talk]! And getting the last word, typically with a clever and cheeky remark!) I persevere, I get through, I’m unbreakable...damn it!
3. Acquired- My valuable family, again.
I may have lost some major members of my support group, (in terms of location), but I gained a few hefty players. As I mentioned a few posts earlier, I have a wonderful therapist Jen. She listens to me week after week. We laugh, I cry, I know she cares. She gives me little nuggets of simple thoughts. Sometimes my hour with her is the only thing I look forward to all week. I know I personally couldn’t have gone through this year without her emotional help.
Then I have my soon to be brother-in-law. He is a quiet, but super funny man. He’s wise, he’s thoughtful and loves jokes and surprises! He listened to me a few weeks ago for three hours. Comforted while I cried and offered encouragement and even a few great ideas! I’m so happy my sister is going to marry him. He’s the perfect brother I never realized I wanted! :p
And I have to give a shout out to my dad. He’s been the father that I needed for 20 years all bundled and wrapped up in 10 months. He has pulled through. He’s carried my weight. He lets me cry, scream, and always makes me laugh. He does little things like buy me Red Bandanas as a homage to the Red Bandanna Hero Award, or watches Kimmy Schmidt with me, to big stuff like giving me gas and food money and providing transportation to major scary appointments with my mom. I realized the more time I spent with him, the more and more I’m blessed to have that corny, kind-hearted, awesome dad as MY Dad! Thanks Dad. <3
As I remind myself, my friends are there for me, they listen to what I have to say, they offer their love, encouragement to me and my family and constantly remind me that I’m stronger than I think I am. And it has proved to be true.
Things in the world seems dark sometimes. Things in our lives (heavy crap or just a build of annoying and frustrating things) make life feel as difficult as climbing a mountain in flip flops. If you have a job to do, a goal you wish to accomplish, or something worth fighting for, after you allow yourself time to feel any and all the feelings, (even the crappy ones) you find the strength to Go On! You can relearn, as I did, that I need to persevere because I can! And That if you’re blessed to surround yourself with family (blood-related, soul-siblings, and even those of the furry persuasion) you have supporters, people (and animals) who love you. No matter how crappy things are going, you can find the strength to keep moving forward. One day things will get better...I recently said to my boyfriend, “We always have tomorrow… one day that tomorrow will actually be THE TOMORROW!"